1. The war between the sexes is over. We won the second when women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
2. Cal : Would you put on some clothes please?
Jacob : Jacob: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal : No! It’s not!
Jacob : Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it’s not bothering you, we’ve got a bigger problem.
Cal : Okay. It bothers me.
Jacob : I don’t care.
3. Jacob : Let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
Cal : Sexually?
Jacob : Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
4. Hannah : I’m here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.
Jacob : Jacob.
Hannah : Jacob.
Jacob : Are people still saying « bang »?
Hannah : I do. And we’re gonna bang! Hmm? This is happening.
5. Hannah : Do you remember me?
Jacob : Yeah.
Hannah : Do you still find me attractive?
Jacob : Yes.
Hannah : Do you still want to take me home?
Jacob : Yeah.
Hannah : Let’s go.
6. Jacob : Are you Steve Jobs?
Cal : What?
Jacob : Hold on a second! Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Cal : No.
Jacob : Oh, ok. In that case, you’ve got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.
7. You’re sitting there with a Supercuts hair cut, you’re getting drunk on watered Vodka Cranberries like a fourteen year old girl and you’re wearing a forty four when you should be wearing a forty two regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.
8. Jacob : The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack.
Cal: It does.
9. I’m wildly unhappy, and I’m trying to buy it, and it’s not working.
10. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?
11. Who looks like a carrot?
12. Cal, you’re better than The Gap. You’re better than The Gap. Say it?
13. That’s weird, because I think that your friend, Hannah, is really sexy.
14. Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schvantz, is that what you want?
15. Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair, you seem like a nice guy. I wanna help you. I’m gonna help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea, like where you lost it?